Goals Are Not Fixed

Ever since I was a little girl my goal was to be a famous actress. I envisioned the dream roles, the Oscar speech, the interview with Jimmy Fallon and subsequent lip sync contest. 

I’m 36 years old and neither famous nor an actress. But I don’t consider this a failure because I no longer want those things. Except for the lip sync-off with Jimmy. That’s a forever dream.  

Recently I had dinner with my Dad and he said, definitively, “LA didn’t work out for you.” 

It was puzzling to have someone tell me the greatest decision of my life to move from New Jersey to California didn’t work out. LA was where I found myself, found my people, and for the first time felt safe to grow and change as a human. 

From Dad’s perspective, though, I moved to LA to become an actor. And didn’t. 

Actress Jennifer Morrison observed how we teach Americans it’s not okay to change our minds and if we do, there’s something wrong with that. She explained: 

“You evolve and you grow and the hope is you continue to get wiser and continue to have life experiences that expand your empathy and expand the way you see the world, and so it would only be natural that as your empathy and worldview expand, that you might need to change your mind about a few things.”

As we evolve and grow and change it’s only natural our goals change, too. 

There was no shame when I realized I no longer want to act. It didn’t feel like failure. It felt like a clearer path. 

So now I proudly call myself a writer. And my new goal is to write a book. 

I have no real plans for the book, no timeline. I’m not even really working on it. Ideas are simply percolating in the background of my brain. I’m mostly focused on publishing an essay each week and becoming a better writer. 

But I will write a book. Eventually. Because it feels right and I’m pumped about the idea. 

Or maybe I’ll change my mind.