The Secret To Finding The Perfect Partner

There’s no such thing as love at first sight. 

If you lock eyes across the room and sparks fly, that doesn’t mean this is your person. It just means you want to have sex with each other. 

Feeling immediate attraction can be misleading. Every time a contestant on The Bachelor says, “He checks all the boxes,” I want to scream. What are these stupid boxes?? They’re things like: good looking, good job, good family, physically fit, likes dogs, vegetarian. 

These are not defining qualities of a relationship. They’re surface-level traits that tell you nothing about the person’s soul or character and how the two of you will complement each other. 

In her book, Bringing Up Bebe, author Pamela Druckerman gives the best definition I’ve heard of love at first sight:

“[It] just means feeling immediately and extremely calm with someone.” 

When I met my husband I was not impressed. He was short, bald, and a little too smiley as he stepped towards me to shake my hand. But when we spoke I felt immediately content and at ease. It wasn’t how I usually felt around guys I liked. Usually I felt nervous butterflies. I wanted to impress them. I wanted to be funny, witty, and say the cool thing. But with Sam, I was just immersed in our conversation. I couldn’t wait to talk to him and when we did, everything around us faded away. The more I got to know him, the more handsome and attractive he became. 

So go for the nerds. Go for the ones passionate about niche things. The ones who get excited by things outside the mainstream. They’d rather listen to a podcast and learn something than watch a football game and drink beer. They focus on personal growth and self-improvement. They’re good communicators. They say what they mean and don’t play games. 

And here’s the best part: nerds get sexier and sexier the more you get to know them. And sexual chemistry is important in a relationship. It’s huge. But physical attraction is something that grows and develops the more you get to know a person. It doesn’t have to be instantaneous the first time you lock eyes across a room. 

Choosing your life partner is the most important decision of your life. So don’t focus on what you want or don’t want out of a partner. Don’t check boxes. Focus on how you feel around them. 

I don’t want to feel excited, giddy, and nervous around the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. Feeling safe, comfortable, and intellectually stimulated are much better indicators of a lasting relationship.

Feeling safe does not mean settling. Sparks should still fly. Just maybe not the sparks you’re used to experiencing or used to seeing in the movies. 

These sparks do not feel like sparks at all. They feel like you’re finally home. 

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Thanks to my friends Nate Kadlac, Florian Maganza, Scott Krouse, and Cam Houser for their feedback on this essay.