“Totally Fine” Trainwrecks

Eating disorders, alcoholism, and drug addiction are life-threatening struggles. 

But there is only awareness and help for people on the extreme side of the spectrum. What about people who don’t fit into a textbook definition of disorder or abuse?

For years, most of my waking thoughts revolved around what I was going to eat next. I meticulously planned out my food schedule and if anyone tried to surprise me with a “Wanna grab lunch?” I’d panic and come up with an excuse so I could retreat to my room and eat 180 calories of vegetable soup and drink a can of diet vanilla Pepsi. At night I would reward myself with wine. I had made it through the day. By the time I was 30, adderall got thrown into the mix and I felt invincible. It made me happy, productive, and best of all, it suppressed my appetite. 

This concoction of drugs, alcohol, and obsession with skinniness swirled together in a large pint glass of routine escapism.

I was a “Totally Fine” Trainwreck. 

“Totally Fine” Trainwrecks are fully functioning citizens. From the outside they appear normal and put-together. They have seemingly good jobs and good relationships. But they rationalize decisions surrounding their vices. Lots of people hate their bodies, deserve wine nights, and pop an adderall every now and again. There’s nothing wrong with it.

They’re living as a shell of who they really are and not reaching their full potential. They think, This is just the way life is, and don’t have the self-awareness to realize they’re unhealthy and unhappy.

TFTs are unable to be present. Whether we’re working, relaxing, or spending time with friends, our minds are on our vices. And when our minds are on our vices there is no space for real joy and real happiness. 

Unfortunately, our circle of friends enable our behavior. We’re surrounded by other TFTs and figure this way of living is totally normal and acceptable. 

Many TFTs will continue living this way.

Or rather, not living.

But there is a way out. 

I hope to bring awareness to the TFTs who don’t know they are TFTs. And I hope to bring awareness to the loved ones of TFTs so we can admit in a safe space that we’re not totally fine. We’re just plain, old trainwrecks. 

It’s time we turn off our blinders, look within, and make the slow but necessary change from “Totally Fine” Trainwrecks to happy, healthy humans.